Home

I have been sick for almost a week, not almost, I think more than a week since last Thursday. I was having trouble sleeping and was burning up every night. I even played badminton, so that I could sweat out. Unfortunately, I got worst. On Sunday, I dragged my feet and drove myself to the clinic, the doctor gave me medication which causes drowsiness, and it was not helping because I wasn't able to do anything but just to sleep the whole day. Day by day, my cough was getting worst, I lost my appetite to eat, and I wasn't able to concentrate on work and even my proposal (my supervisor is so unhappy). Last two days, while having lunch which my "brother" I heard a small "pop" in my right ear, which almost made me blackout, all I know is that all around me was spinning, I can't even stand. Once I regained my balance, I went to doctor, and was told that I have inflammation in my ear due to fever. Two doctors in a week.

Yesterday, I made a decision, to just go back home to Seremban. Yesterday and last night were the best two days of my week being sick. My mum cooked because she said that I looked like I haven't eaten for a while, and I heard the voice of my sister gossiping away in the middle of the night while I was almost dozed off on the sofa. Up to this morning I am still unwell, but home is where the heart is, and I can even feel that my ear is getting better as well as my morale. 

That was the best decision ever, because there is no place like home. 

~ I Finally Found Someone (With Lyrics) - Bryan Adams feat Barbra Streis...

I will definitely propose to someone (one day) with this song.... (mode: jiwang)

*smack*

I just got smack back to reality. Hmm...it seems I am losing control of everything, my study and my work. The demand from my client is overwhelming, and the expectation of my lecturer is weighing hard on me. I need to sit back and start planning, dates & datelines, schedule and all. I need to sacrifice something.

"Yelah"

My dad cooked today. He prepared "cakoi" as an attempt for him to start his small business.

My dad  : "Takpe, I know how to make it...." (my mum offered to help)
My mum : "Yelah"

Once they (cakoi) were ready and served;

My mum : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Macam biskut lutut but a bit soft.
My dad  : "Yelah"

Some of the "cakoi" were a bit deformed and out of shape - my mum acted out like a ninja, and pretended that the "cakoi" was a ninja star and she even pretended that they were x-ray goggle.

All this happen at the dinner table.


My dad's reaction - he burst out laughing as well.

Why it is so hard....

What am I doing up so late? Because I have a presentation that need to be completed and presented in class (I am not so ready). Since last week I have been in N9, despite my mum's cooking keeping me occupied, I end up becoming so lazy and anti social again. Just sitting in front of my laptop contemplating which work to be completed first. 

However this is not the reason for me writing this entry; the reason is to seek answer for the question, "Why is it so hard for someone to give me a straight answer?" I guess the concept "menjaga hati' is still at play or, just a game of hard to get. I have been trying to get a date for an event this Saturday, not for any devious reason, just to keep me company when driving, and so that I have someone to talk to if I find myself in an awkward situation (I have issue of not being everyone's cup of tea or I would just play dumb and let people make fun of me), yet a YES is far from reality. *Sigh*

I know I should not be sighing because of this and focus on work, like the cover photo on my facebook stated;

"FOCUS - DO YOU WORK. DON'T BE STUPID. EMOTIONAL CONTROL WILL DESTROY TALENT ANYDAY" 

Fire!Fire! Burning Bright

 

It occurred this morning. 

I even can feel the intense heat of the fire as I passed by.

Monday Blues

I sent my sister to work today because I made plan to study at the library, before meeting my client late this evening. Unfortunately,I realized that I didn't bring my ID badge.  I called home, and asked my mum if she seen my badge;

Naz  : "Mak, nampak badge upm orang tak?"

Mak : "Ada..kan mak dah cakap...nag..nag..nag....nag...nag...nag"

Naz  : "Ok, bye"

After the conversation, I decided to go back home and take my ID badge. I know that my mum is going to make a big fuss of my absent mindedness. I knocked on the door, and my mum opened it. She has the "I told you to check" stare, and out of the blue...

Mak  : "Bang!Bang!Bang! (along with her hand gesture mimicking a gun)

Naz   : (Gave my mum a blur look) then aduh! kena tembak!!!!!!!

We looked at each other then burst out laughing. - The weirdest Monday blues ever. 

Scratch Head

Now on Saturday, I would be involved in teaching children from an English Enrichment Community Centre. Yesterday was my second class, I love lecturing young adults, but teaching young children is a whole different thing. I gave them an activity of looking for hidden objects (a book I bought from MPH), I end up explaining to them what the objects were. 

Children : Teacher! Teacher! What is a windmill?
Teacher : It looks like a big giant fan.
Children : (Confuse look) Apa tu?
Teacher : Kincir Angin
Children : (Confuse look) Apa tu? Ala teacher, kitaorang jarang keluar rumah.....

In the end, I showed them most of the answers. *scratch head*

Hidden Agenda

Rescue me! Rescue me!

YES! Your home is MINE!!!!

Sleep

"Sweetness of doing nothing"

Skyscraper

Study - Dinner

Mum   : "If you have nothing better to do, go and further your study"
Dad     : "You should do your PHD overseas"
Sis (1) : "Make sure that you are choosing the right choice"
Sis (3) : "You need to stop until your master, I won't be able to chase you guys"
Sis (4) : "Studylah, you guys have the brain, I have the beauty!"

Hahahahahaha. My family discussion over dinner.

Flow

I met someone. We went out few times, she introduced me to her friends and her colleagues on the same day. Tea with her close friends and badminton with her colleagues. She is an interesting individual, I might be attracted to how open she is with everyone of her sexuality, and she even shared with some of her family members. Well in her words "Let just go with the flow".

A day in Kuala Lumpur

Outed myself

I have badminton now every weekend, with bunch of interesting individuals. Most all of them are gay and some are not.I am keeping true to my policy "don't ask, don't tell". However last two sessions I outed myself accidentally after the game, yesterday was the recent one.

Friend : Seriously I didn't know you were gay, until you told me just now

Naz    : Oh! but you were really into the conversation we had after every sessions, I thought you knew.

Friend : Nope. 

Naz    : (In my head - you and your big mouth!)

Final Outdo

I went to Outdo last Saturday, and it was announced that Outdo is taking a break for an indefinite time. I was introduced to Outdo last year by a friend, which I found it is a very good platform for discussion. And now it is no longer there. *Sigh*

So true.....

Try harder beb!!!!

Catnap - Simon's Cat

I have 25 cats!!! Imagine when all of them sleeping in a room......

Tonight!!!!

I don't know what is wrong with me tonight, I googled my ex, and I found her blog that she completed for a requirement of her course last year. When I clicked, it went to the page "get to know the author & her acknowledgment". I saw her photo, and  she looked so happy and her acknowledgment to the person who is in her life now. 

I even composed an e-mail, using the e-mail address she put as reference for any question and answer, telling her that I have forgave her and I wanted to apologize for the all the outburst the day that I found she is with someone else short of few months of our break up and the oath that she told me was a lie. I was about to click send instead I discarded the e-mail. I went through all my old entries in  my previous blog, those I shared about her, memories we had.

The weird thing is I end up smiling reading the posts and all the comments.Seriously I don't know what is wrong with me tonight!!!!!! 

Smitten - Simon's Cat (A Valentine's Special)

One fine day....

3 bottles in front of me, and I am contemplating what would be the game plan, should it be 2:1 or 11/2 : 11/2 or 1/2 : 1 and 1 to be saved. Hmm, after few minutes of thinking I decided that it will be 1/2 : 1 and I will save one. So, with that I mixed one bottle with soap and shook it nicely, off to the bathroom with both bottles in my hand, 1/2 of soap and 1 bottle of water to rinse. 

That was one fine day in 1998, a week after I enrolled to further my study in one of the local university and water crisis happened. I survived a week with that formula and never missed a class. (",)

Thinking

I am sitting in front of my laptop thinking of what to write, should I write; about the stress that is currently caused by my client, who wants me to assist him in organizing his staff, which is impossible if people are complacent, or about "my green eye monster" of looking at how easy it is for others find someone instead of me having to be rejected, ignored or being sought after only if they need something or about what I believed what life should be, ideology, my perception, or about being nice isn't getting me anywhere, except of heartache and headache or I can choose not to write about all of the above and just sit in front of my laptop thinking.  

14th February

14th February - Valentine Day

Full blast of love songs on the radio - LOVE SONGS SO OVERRATED!!!!!! (said the person who got dumped a year ago), if she was still with someone - O.M.G THIS SONG IS SO ME!!!! (Kuang..kuang..kuang..) hehehe

Work! Work! Work!

This is what I do. Hmm, and yet people think my work is easy. (P/s : This is only ONE client). To be honest, it is a very challenging job, and in TWO months of doing curriculum and program development, I am almost burnt out. Mental exhaustion can really take a toll on a person. 

Soon, I will start my final semester, and looking forward to do my PHD. 

But for what it is worth, I am finally doing something that I know will make a different in someone's life. 

If you want changes, take steps in making them. 

Badminton!!!

My friend made this statement "Naz, you need a social life, your life should not be about work, live a little". And I do agree. So, I took her advice and now every weekend I am playing badminton, and just hang out. Three weeks ago,I injured my knee, and I made the decision to go back home, and to rest. 

My mum looked at me and said "Main badminton wakil negeri mana, injured kalah pro". 

I am glad that I made the choice to go out and play badminton, and live a little. Now, time to check off few things from my bucket list!!!!

Human Nature

I made the decision to work as a freelancer since September last year. And it has been one hell of a ride. I have client who lied to me when it comes to payment, I have client who promised the world to their clients and just hoping that I would make it a reality. People still have the misconception that doing an educational and training programs are easy, just like copying from the internet and "tadaa" it will miraculously appear.

But all the problems aside, it is an experience, even money can't buy. I met a lot of politicians, I experienced how lobbying works and to what extend that a person would do just to outshine someone. 

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly of human nature. - Priceless! 

The value of our education

A friend of mine posted this statement on her facebook, it seems if there is no allowances, what is the use of teaching our students English the way they should be taught. I don't have any experience teaching in school, I respect the struggle that teachers have to go through just to impart knowledge. However it is saddening if the value of our education is as much as the allowances that you received. 

Air!!!!!!

I went swimming just now, managed to improve my techniques, strokes and momentum, however I forgot one thing, to actually breath for air. *facepalm*

The Sound of Crickets

Met someone online, chatted for a few days, then a request for my pictures, I shared.... then "The Sound of Cricket". *Sigh*

It has been a while...

Celebrated my 34th Birthday two weeks ago and this time my family organized a BBQ with firework and all. I am glad with my choice of not telling my parents and my siblings that I am gay. Many people said that telling them would make my life easier, however my life is a smooth flow right now, it just that I can't share with them if I am in love or if my heart is broken. That is the downfall of my choice, I am not regretting it. My family is giving me the space I want, they don't even question if I go out with someone or what am I up to when I am far from them, it just that, once in a while, I just have to be home, to spend time with them. Home is where the heart is...... (",)

Christina Perri - Human [Official Video]